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Arterial Robot

[ website | HayrotheCoffeeToper ]
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... [18 Jun 2011|05:20pm]
Assemblage 23-Alive

Through the iridescent rain
In this heavy atmosphere
Nothing makes a sound
But the beating of my heart

Broken down and torn to shreds
On the verge of madness
Here comes that old familiar pain
Like a long lost friend’s return

I never felt so
I never felt so
Alive
Alive


Waves of doubt wash over me
A sighing ocean of black
Deep and steady, dark and wide
Underneath indifferent stars

I’ve been waiting for so long
For some kind of answer
But there’s just an empty, distant sound
Calling like a mother’s voice

I never felt so
I never felt so
Alive
Alive


Every moment is contained
An event within itself
A perfect little world
Hidden by a jealous sun

For an eternity or more
It was the hurt that brought me back
Like the glowing fires of home
Beckoning through winter air

I never felt so
I never felt so
Alive
Alive
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Goals. [11 Jun 2011|07:21pm]
It is so so strange the things that someone can take for granted without realizing. I feel like I wasted so many years putting myself down over and over again and now simple things like watching 'The Parent Trap' makes me feel good about myself...Even if it is the shitty Lohan version.Maybe it is the duloxetine talking or maybe it is just growing on me over time,this ability to be happy without feeling guilty.Either way I am looking forward to getting older and learning new things and teaching my son new things and damn,just being new. I've managed my anxiety a lot more effectively this year,had a few break downs but nothing too bad,I can handle it now even if it feels like I can't and I think that IS the duloxetine,it does fuck with me a little bit but I think I'm getting used to it now.I feel a lot of relief even if it means I had to admit that I couldn't do it alone but maybe one day I can. I've got so much to be elated about and I really am. I've never felt so needed or appreciated as I do when my little boy looks at me and THAT is the one thing that keeps me going every day. Knowing that I am solely responsible to make sure he is happy and that he knows that I love him and that I have to teach him how to do things is so remarkable. I know its cliche or whatever but he gave me so much respect for life,something that I don't think I ever truly had before. So I guess I am setting goals for myself and I really think I have a shot at it too. Even if no well adjusted person still writes in a journal  they started when they were like 15...
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growth. [08 Jun 2011|09:06pm]

Life has changed so dramatically,in ways I never even imagined that were possible for someone like myself...I read things I wrote ages ago and the nostalgia is far too much for me to deal with. In a way I am lucky and glad to have these memories written out and catalogued but in a way I doubt I will be going back to read anything as it causes me great pain on many levels...I have successfully pushed away people and brought others closer,both can be taken as good or bad either way you look at it. I hardly see or speak to either of my parents which used to be an issue but now I guess it isn't. They have both gone on with their lives in their own ways and we have a new and old relationship that is bizarre to me and at times difficult to deal with, just something else that keeps me up at night while everyone else sleeps. I have my own home and my own rules which is just as delightful as I dreamt it would be. God so much has changed,it really has made me understand a little better just how short life really is but how many glorious memories you can pack into it...I have lost friends whom I loved dearly but I watch through the peep holes as they go on with their lives and blossom in different wonderful ways and no matter the notes we ended on I wish them all sincere happiness. I think that is part of my growing too and realizing the negative impact I was inflicting on those close to me because of my addiction to alcohol and my ego. Both of those distasteful things about me have fallen dormant lately and I am just as glad as everyone else. I do have support in family which I never felt I had before. They see that I am trying hard to make myself better,slowly but surely and I think they are attempting to reach out to me more. There is always resentment but I feel it fading day by day. Being sober has made me so weak that it really was a self inflicted rehab for the soul. I broke down when I didn't have that crutch to lean on and falling hard really knocked something loose in my brain because now I don't have that endless thirst that I had before that I depended on for so many things. Of course words come harder sometimes but I am learning to love the me I have become,something I swear I never imagined before in my wildest dreams. I will always be an alcoholic and probably always fighting with depression and anxiety but they are things that I am learning to manage,things that I know I MUST manage if I want to have a successful,long life full of happiness for myself and for my son....Liam's heart defect hit me like a brick wall. I will always blame myself. This is something no one knows,something I will never tell anyone for as long as I live most likely. I will never shake it for as long as I live,as very few others thing sin my life that I can never forgive myself for and it pains me to know that I will die with it on the tip of my tongue and the back of my brain. But again, I will manage it and no matter the struggle it will ultimately make for a better life for everyone.Though I still have trouble trying not to fall into that sadness and anxiety I have got it to where it never lasts for more than an hour or so even though it feels like I have lost control and I panic it always gets better. Liam did not make me a better person but he allowed me to see the good in the person I have always been. I would do anything to make sure his life is as happy and full of wonderful memories as possible,anything. I have never loved anyone or anything so much in my life and the fact that I could lose him at any given moment terrifies the fuck out of me...He has made it through 2 open heart surgeries in the first year of his life and his third and final surgery is this fall. I am learning new things daily about being a parent and a stable person and it is awesome and scary at the same time. It is a shame that some of the people I used to share my life with will not be able to share the greatest part of my life with me but it is all part of growing I suppose...The more that I come to terms with the fact that I am not a different person,just a more mature and adjusted person,the better chance I have at success. Life is so short and so full of beauty,it is meant to be lived and appreciated and I thank God every second of every day for this second chance that I have been given. I will make the best out of everything that comes my way,my new motto.

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Reincarnation:How to write in a dead mans diary [03 Jun 2011|04:05pm]

 

    Perception. The one true variable that separates us all,the link that has rusted and threatens to break the chain. Often the way we perceive our own reality,the manner in which we include others into our reality is what makes us who we are. Or who we seem to be. Light penetrating the dirty window into our souls revealing ,crumpled in the corner,our true selves. There a few remaining who see reason to seek that feeling, of knowing. Even fewer are the reasons for seeking,especially if you have already previously encountered what you may find...       
   It's strange,like watching home movies for the first time sober and alone. Peering in on a distant past,seeing a smile on the face of a relative you lost and feeling that tinge of happiness as though they were in fact there with you,smiling,and not only a memory. We desperately cling to those images for a second of happiness even though we know sadness and remorse will follow once the picture is gone. We sadistic creatures constantly torture ourselves even for a fraction of satisfaction.Reading through pages of dusted over memories that belong to no one,or perhaps someone whose fingers have long since been at rest.Seeing now the answers to former problems bright and obvious though there is nothing that can take you back to solve them...
           This is where the guilt,the anguish and the anger have formed a tight fist around your throat. Threatening to choke you,forcing you to find a way to expel them as it seems they will never stop growing,scratching at the base of your brain. Throwing the bottle at the wall,watching it explode into millions of tiny shards.That is all it would take,throwing it away and never giving it a second thought. It is only with a sober tongue that speaking seems tough and dry,digging through mounds of sand for the right words. But it is the right way,with clean veins to proceed through life,the self proclaimed second chance. Though the rage at times seems a distance oasis,a place that hardly exists. Day by day you trudge on,the load getting no lighter, your tongue dry and docile.You are a creature of habit,a drone to the will of the righteous,your feet plodding down the beaten path fit poorly in the footprints left by those before you.By night you dream of dropping your baggage and making a run to it, that oasis you have seen so clearly in your mind. You have been there,lived there,withered and died there and now your body writhes in agony to do it all over again. To dive headlong into the rage,into the tangled vines of selfishness and never once wonder what is on the other side.

--------         

"So many things I feel the need to say and do will be taken to the grave if it means you will be happy..."

 

For years and years I struggled to destroy myself. I fought with myself endlessly with a clouded mind like two beings in one each fighting to be the only. I was shown many things in my short life time,told stories and manipulated to fit in many of those stories. I was appreciated,I was unappreciated. I was idolized and taken for granted. That was me,just a person in so many different eyes,I meant so many different things so many different people but I never truly knew what I meant to myself. So many days I felt my mind was too compact to hold all of these feelings and thoughts,drugging myself almost seemed necessary as I had to find some escape from the various realities I was living in. Being inebriated created some kind of solace,a truce between the different Freds if just temporarily. All of those days and nights I lied to myself,I lied to you but I ALWAYS knew the truth, always. Why I never did anything right will always be a question running through my head no matter where I am or how old I get. Why didn't I? Give myself to you completely,live a life that promised pains and happiness,learn more about the soul I was so in love with and so afraid of...Build myself up for the success I secretly knew I was capable of achieving but never able to handle...Take that final step I convinced myself I deserved...I could have done things so differently.You knew it and I knew it,I always could have done things differently.

     What once was a child who saw the colors so brightly turned into a empty creature. I don't know how it happened and I don't know why I beat myself the way that I did. Years of life not seeing a day without smoke in my eyes or poison in my veins, spitting out words not meant for anyone to hear and fucking everything up. I tried to convince everyone that I was someone who never actually existed for reasons that I may never know. I was there all along,watching myself slip away,staying silent when I really wanted to scream. I let that feeling of worthlessness hold me back and this other persona me took over.Destroying relationships,putting me in the wrong places at the wrong time,making promises I never intended to keep,forcing me to drown myself. So many times I want to apologize and I will never get the chance,now I know how absolute regret feels. As though I cursed someone I loved on their deathbed,I will not get the chance to make things right until I too take my final breath. Sadness and anger are demons that will always threaten to hijack my soul but I cannot let myself fail.No matter how my heart aches,I am no longer living for me and it is not my happiness that I must strive to attain.

     I longed for that darkness,for quiet and for sobriety but I thought the only way to have that for myself would be death. All I really wanted was the ability to stop thinking for a moment, to hear only one voice,to be my true self without shame. I was ignorant and wasteful and everyone saw that but me. I can't say I had no idea what I was doing to myself, I knew full well and for some reason I was so proud of myself for killing me. That never will matter to me but the pain that I saw so many times in the eyes of those who had to eventually cut me free will always haunt me. As I look back I see faint memories but its like looking through the eyes of a ghost. Things don't seem clear to me,I cannot force myself to feel the same...That is how I know I finally got the death I prayed for. That person no longer exists and even though I know it was me I also know it isn't the me that lives today. I read through journals, I see pictures and I know those are the words and the eyes of a dead being. And only now do I miss myself and appreciate the thoughts and feelings I had. I see what you saw now and I am sorry I let that person suffer and eventually disappear. It is something I will live with for the rest of this life and I will mourn silently. Not one murderer has the right to apologize and feel sorry even though they do it anyway,they cannot say it out loud. That is their true punishment,I know that now.
 

There is always hope. The pain you have to go through to get that second chance is nothing short of death but nothing is more worth fighting for. There are few loves in this life that can change who you are,hold on to them at all costs. Skin,bone,blood regenerates even after the worst injury its just how you allow yourself to heal...I guess.
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[11 May 2010|12:44am]
I...cant believe I still have a livejournal and remember my password. Fantastic.
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Thanksgiving 2007. [22 Nov 2007|12:46am]
I am thankful for things that are few and far between. I have learned from those that I have loved that I was thankful for all of the wrong reasons, and that personality can be paper thin.

I have learned that life is what you make it, and in my case it is a wreck.
I am thankful for the scraps of consolence that have been flung from your igh and mighty table.
Niggas can be rockers, and ladies can be men.
Cars are only objects that will rust and break in time, even cool ones.
People are always two faced-no one tells you truths all of the time.
Getting wasted and vomiting until you nearly die and rollin a fatty afterwards is going to kill me.
But that is what life is all about anymore.
Having a job does not make you a good reliable person, but society thinks it so. 
Society influences everyone in my family except for my mother and myself.
And sadly, we are both mentally insane.
Coffee and cigarettes are my Penzoil, not my icing, and our relationship was born sour.
Jeff has made me realize how fragile life is.
Geniuses always wither, especially if they are seventeen year old frauds with newly acquired licenses.
Hugs do not solved problems, but are yearned for every single fucking day.
I am made of stone, and nothing can ush me over because of these constant battles.
Party like its 2012 and you feel more lonely with every hit.
Family is only a thick as your wallet when you are a Fuson.
Friends are worth only the pack of cigarettes/gallon of gas/dime bag that you lose when they are present.

Take everything with a grain of salt, it probably will be that way anyway.

I could still live in any city in any building with anyone and never change my mindset.

It is a constantly progressing system and we are at level nineteen.
Commence the indefinate murdering of the soul and all of the worthless knowledge holding it together.
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Piss and Such [20 Jul 2007|06:59pm]

It has become evident to me whether I can fathom it or not.

And now  have to make sure that the word is clear and brought forth  in a manner that you will understand.

The Vessel is pushed from the bank. it is loaded and his mission is certian. He does such things to make the world a better place. It is easier to understand to him now that he has been trained, cleaned, fueled.

The passengers sigh and hand the man their tickets. They smile in the most pretentious ways. He nods and thinks about his wife and children at home. Home is a word that means about as much as the sharpie writing on the outside of a cardboard box tossed to decompose on the side of the highway.

He reaches into his pocket and looks at the clock. The passengers walk carelessly on the deck of the Vessel, the Vessel sighs under their weight. He is old and weathered, he is tough and brittle. The passengers throw their shit on the floor. The journey is doubtful and the Vessel takes tumbles under the waves of the ocean. The ocean wishes it could be anywhere else. The Vessel pushes on and eventually docks.

At the dock, the passengers wake from their slumber and begin to dismount. They leave their trash in the cabins. The review is simple and sweet. The captain wishes them a safe and happy trip. The captain sighs and lights a match. The Vessel is "too worn to make another trip", he lights his cigarette.

The captain leaves the Vessel in a dank and dreary shallow puddle. The puddle never dries. The Vessel is eaten by the weather but gnawed more so by his accomplishments or lack there of.

I wish I wasn't a Vessel, but fuck it.

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Yellow Jaundice [14 Jun 2007|12:04am]

The day I felt for the first time what it was like to be 
an angsty teenager that hits inanimate objects and dislocates fingers.
HOORAH.
Laugh-cry because it hurt but was the most hillarious thing to witness.

And drive home left handed
only to introduce a brand new bouncing hospital bill.


---------------

My uncle and his ten roosters are fixing my truck.

I need to go to my appointments because my dad is paying for them.

My counserlor is more intense than me.

I need some water.
 

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can't spell. [22 May 2007|07:27pm]
[Conditional Love and Death Smell]

Rabbits and Angels 
lie flat on their back
As the dust of my Kinfolk
will sift through the sack
The train is now looming
your head throbs profusely
But its your duty to stand
and let go of the track.


I could use my own advice sometimes.

Two days left and I am free from the gaping insanity of high school.

I can start my life, become anything that I want.

I wont let myself slide. I'm sick of being stuck in the gutter, always waiting for a good day.
There aren't any "great" days just bearable ones. And maybe I can change that sometime soon.You can't get out of any hole by waiting around. It only gets deeper and eventually you'll have nothing else. Like that sand box metaphor which I wont use because I'm pretty sure that its trademarked by now.
I wont feel sadness as I grow and turn twenty nor thirty [if I indeed make it that long]. I will only become more docile and consistent.

Geniuses are a dime a dozen
try to think of something different
try so hard that it may be worth it
in the long run you're a waste
and a blatant mold and paste
and someone is bound 
to stick you in glass.

[ Maybe ]
Elvis could tell me about it
Shirley Temple could teach me to dance
Judy Garland will introduce me to color
Kurt Cobain would share this bowl with me
Al Sharpton needs to get laid.
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Vigor to you beloved.May life take its hold on your reigns... [14 May 2007|03:24pm]
The word "left" is a symbol much like that of some ignorant phrase...


drink
watch porn
and smoke
constantly...

No.

It is a place, a hand, a direction, a feeling at the tip of your tongue.
You can say no.

My eulogy will be shortened by mass hysteria but not for mourning.
For triumph.

We perceive and invade.
We believe and so it is.

This world is a sin in itself.

And now I will proceed to fuck it up.

Content and disgusting.


And so I have said mine and I do not care to hear yours.

For these ears are now deaf and lifeless.
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[05 May 2007|03:01pm]
I am one more trip to Effingham to get blazed away from imploding.

My mind is like that of a Vulture and I can feel those beedy eyes scoping you out when I laugh at you.

I see you driving around everywhere and it kind of annoys the piss out of me.

I hope all of those clouds that came down so low last night remain in the sky for a while.

I love being in this state, your respect for me is astounding.

I look like white trash and I feel like white trash but I can't turn this head around.
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[23 Apr 2007|07:19pm]

It is in the air. 
It is ravenous and without mercy.
Filled with ideas and without release.
We all become strangers.

"I will watch closely 
the footprints you left behind.
As the grass leafs
and swallows them
I will watch closely."

Such was once my stand.
That which I have abandoned
and fallen from my post.
The prey eludes me.

So I am left with this bow
and this arrow as well.
From which I have derived 
my civil plan, the conclusion.
---

We make passes and fleeting glances. We tolerate the most venomous stare. We return to one another a scent that carries the pollen of imagination. From which stems insecurity, adultery and scorn that is tossed back and forth with a sneaky force.

We will bleed on ourselves, we will stain those around us with our being. For that I cannot apologize.
I will however cease to make attempts and let the leaves that I shed fall where they will.

And so the thought burned.

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[15 Apr 2007|01:25pm]
Wants and needs
stems and seeds


Everywhere I go I am reminded of my existence.Humanity scares me and fascinates me at the same time.

I have been wasting time, doing drugs and hanging out.
It brings us closer.
To God.
To one another.

Yet oddly we are further apart and it suits me.

I surround myself with people similar to enigmas. Brian and Iva, Mike, Lindsey, Joe, Sean and of course her somehow.

It was good showing up at the apartment for the fourth time that day to see new faces.
Met Dani but I was pretty gone and I apologize.
You're fantastic, I hope to run into you again sometime. [Not high preferably].



Almost done.
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To compose on the dope. [03 Apr 2007|11:17am]
You in the park 
me in the sand
we will embark
we will leave land.

I lifted my arm and there was a maggot to remind me.

We could leave but what would that solve?

I don't have a job but I have a nice car.

I can't complain because I'm blown on your floor and that is all that matters.

No joke, Gravediggaz is where its at.

Gravediggaz- 6 feet deep.

G-to-the-R-to-the-A-to-the-V
E-to-the-D-to-the-I-to-the-G
G-to-the-A-to-the-zig-zag-Z
Gravedigga, nigga, 6 feet deep


I floss my teeth on the gospel tracks
I'm not an apostle, but I bring the axe to ya back
I chew and attack
Like Crest on plaque
After that, your world is flack
You drop into a hole
Your mold separates from your soul
Behold, the Gravediggaz told you 'Beware'
But you didn't listen
So now we appear an' eardrums glisten, ha ha


When I wreck I commence to ditect
Ready to disect so come step alive and die
Next murder is mayhem
Diggin graves is irregular
Treach-orous mangler
Tha Boston Strangler
Heated and trapped in a fury of hate
Daredevil, the rhyme rebel my heart terminates
Subduin and pul-ver-i-zin ya head
Ya bled, fell dead, and your tombstone red

Rza-to-the-recta, Grym-to-the-reap
Unda-to-the-taker, Gate-to-the-keep
Creepin thru tha ghettos and the slums and streets
Gravedigga, nigga, 6 feet deep 

Darkness shall fall upon y'all
who slept on the styles
that crept thru tha door
The grave behave we come to save
so don't be afraid of the dark
We spark like light ignite
excite, excite is right, is right
Come follow the life
And see what I see and be what I be
Tha G-to-the-R-to-the-A-to-the-V 


In the mind I come with the sparks from the attic
Yet psychopathic brain tracks is tragic
Twist lifting mist like riff of a Taurus
Deep in tha forest, I slay for tha porridge
Yet is gold, ya die slow like a tortoise
Deep in my chorus, ya result Diggamortis
Let me see I'm castin disease
Contrary, yet some fairy 'cause ya bleed 


Demonic, ya sonic is bangin like chronic
and niggas be audi faster than Sonic
Blubonic, plutonic ya best look up on it
Beast bein programmed ASR Ensoniq
Styles compiled for miles and childs
Bodies and owls and upside-down smiles
Reflect, catch wreck from sun-moon sect
Paradex sheds light then thought reflects


I came on the scene
in a wheel that Ezekiel seen
to exploit your flaws like Philistines
Look in the sky, oh my, it is I
No alibi, so don't even try
to feed me swine
And Grymreaper's mind is so refined
I'm deep, I'm deep, I'm deep
as a hill or a cliff or a steep
incline at the bottom of an ocean reef


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SNR..TSR..SJP [07 Mar 2007|06:39pm]

Chemical burn

Dominant feed

plain and insecure

you are a tease

you are a lure.

Chemical burn

I follow you in

trapped in the core.

of a pheromone ignorant

negligent phase

See by the light of day

I carried your sale

I carried the waves

chemical burn

still to this day

You are my fault

a pheromone ignorant

negligent phase

a chemical burn

a peel to the skin

different means

different ends

chemical burn

a peel to the skin

chemical burn

different ends.

Musketeer

Skinless dog

flawless tree

musketeer

carefully

load your gun

take your stance

aim your stride

no romance

handsome man

filthy hands

skinless dog

flawless tree

Musketeer

you're with me

I'm with him

wait and see

load my gun

take my hand

hold it up

if I can

Musketeer

carefully

load my gun

flawless tree.

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Dirty is silent and I repent. [06 Mar 2007|05:19pm]
Depeche Mode-Enjoy the Silence

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
 
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
 
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
 
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm


-

Sarah McLachlan-Fallen


Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
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Saga Phony [05 Mar 2007|05:02pm]

I am the psycho-logist
that will tell you how to deal.

I am too your neighbor
who cannot and will not steal.

Did you, could you forgive me after all?

You are torture in the least. The finest form of fiction. Art in a tedious structure that collapses under the light.
I am your component. An irregular hand to brush away the dust. Reformed too many times and irrelevant to society.

We clash
and we smoke
something foreign
in a bubble of guilt

It is a task.

"A tisket a tasket
a green and yellow basket..."

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Motherlust. [03 Mar 2007|07:51pm]
Wordless speeches will quickly beseech us
Definite articles that never made it to print.
Enormous concussion
internal combustion
radioactive waste that is rubber and bent.

Delinquent romantics
are wasted on antics
popular devices are less to be known
Androgynous fixture 
produced from a mixture
that robots will gladly call home.

Deliverance is producing a light that will sporadically penetrate the forest of pessimism. One day the world will have to chose whether or not it has to end. It is not to be predicted and I know that now. Until that is concluded we are entombed in our violent and peculiar flesh. Cages are bones, bones are splints and splints can not fix us. We remember things because we want to dwell on events that have changed the way our cells react with one another.

The car veers from the road.
The cigarette is whipped into the wind.
Carried away are its components.
The paint is scratched and corroded.
By the time they find the metal carcass.
Believe that the trees were screaming.
I believed that I could make it.
I crawled out of the jumbled frame.
I crept into the road.
I was the road and I was lost in myself.
Stranded.
I took it myself, the poison.
The poison that became words.
Spoken onto a twisted lip.
The asphalt met the eyes.
The explosion was necessary.
I am damned.
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Indefinite end without closure, to bury another infant in the infinite sands of time. I never was. [25 Feb 2007|07:56pm]

The doctor is in.

It is time to figure things out, time to make the call. Difficulty is proving stronger than stubborn human will.Belief is a tricky thing to hold on to. As you change so does your faith.


In existence mine is lost. In control, mine has never been.
Like lameness slowly progressing to all ends of the body my mind is tired and tricked. Cliche are the methods of help that you can reach towards perhaps that is why many do not. 


There is no point in life except to live through it and to encounter a new and perhaps more lonely existence brought on by death.
As you struggled up the stream towards the factor that would invent you into life, you do so towards that death. Many are the detours that you may take to intensify the meaning behind your journey. Yet some would rather speed up the process. Maybe they are homesick.Death is to be in mourning as you were in life. The difference- these tears of frustration do not belong to your flesh as they once did, but to another and in another kind of grief and love.



If I was going to be a doctor I had better have been a damn good one. The fucking best. I would want you to feel and understand me. It wasn't hard to capture, just hard too control. Go out with a bang, let the winds tear down the castles you built. The sands will erode your tomb and it will be as if you never had been. Life is fantastic and controversial. It is full of messes and infatuations. Let them clean away the debris and sort out the good and evil that you have harbored. Definite power, certain control. Thus is life.


But even so, I can't understand myself and I can't understand this life.
Christ, if you are present in every being surrounding me tell me now. I don't know that I can make another stop.
It is a beast and it is terrible; it is terrific. I will sit back comfortably and watch it destroy everything without lifting a hand to stop it.
I would hand down the potential that this life had in a heartbeat. Any one I know, any aborted fetus, the murdered.
So stands the psalm, ancient and foreign. Christ ,if your hand is mine to take I ask you to extend. If it is not then so be it.

I don't want this for myself. I have cared too much and it has killed me. However, life is to snatch and to burn with an ignorant longevity.

Cherish it for once, whatever that means to you.

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[24 Jan 2007|08:01pm]
After 44 days in lock down Joe is back.
It is good to see his devious smile and boyish face.
He attacks me in a Chinese restaurant and persuades me to get a job with him.
So I finally got a job, hired us on the spot.

We are just too charming, or rather they were just desperate. [I think the supervisor loves me?]

I believe it is time for me to do something with myself. Some kind of therapy, medication (though highly unlikely will it be effective) anything to make a difference. I wont say that I am unhappy because that would be untrue. I am in love,the people around me are so very amazing, I am eightteen, I have a job now. Why do I still wake up every morning feeling so many things at once? Why are there always doubts, confusion, and a lingering feeling of fatigue at the thought of waking up again? 
I'm tired of abusing everyone, it is me that needs to make a shift if not a change.
I will do whatever it takes.
The past is to be lived through an not dwelled on.

M.M-Long Hard Road out of Hell


I want to fly into your sun
Need faith to make me numb
Live like a teenage christ
I'm a saint, got a date with suicide

Oh Mary, Mary
To be this young is oh so scary
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell

You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this


Spin my way out of hell, theres nothing left this soul to sell

Live fast and die fast too
How many times to do this for you?
How many times to do this for you?

Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell

You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this

I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell


Long hard road, out of hell

I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell

Sell my soul for anything, anything but you
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you.
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